Writing my annual holiday letter can be so draining, but here goes…
Dear friends, family and outlaws. Well, 2006 has been a life altering and misdemeanor-filled year, what with the wine bottle exploding in the garage and the subsequent visit from homeland security; the announcement that my neighbor won the Powerball; the amazing mini-bike we built in the bonus room; and the shocking announcement from the hospital that Brian really is adopted!
First, the house. As you may recall, last year, after the big aluminum-siding scandal, we had to completely remodel, as mold had really taken hold on the shady part of the living room. Then one morning, we were surprised by a knock at the door. It was the NW News prize patrol, telling us we had just won a free-cruise (on the Columbia River), a mini- TV, $50 cash or a Costco size box of extra-butter microwave popcorn. It was a terrific prize, amounting to a great experience (after taxes), and it allowed us to add on that extra gate to the fence I’ve always wanted in the back yard to keep the neighbor’s cat’s out.
Yo, Yo, Yo…got the Cadillac EXT, stowed…
I remind the pediatrician during ear infection vists that it’s the MTV programming. There is a lot of good that comes from that “box”, like Simpsons and Lost, but that MTV isn’t one of ’em! He was accepted at Subway University this summer. It was a tough choice for him as he was bribed by several different fast food institutions. He is very, very busy at his computer…always downloading lots of music (he has a rather large collection now, thanks to them all being free on that internet!), ripping CD’s or playing action games nearly everyday before and after school, but he still finds time to surf eBay to add to his ever growing collection of used packing peanuts. Occasionally he wanders outside to throw rocks at the local kids in the “hood”.
As supreme leader of the family, the one formally called Dad; I’ve had a tumultuous year. After finding out I won the 10-minute shopping spree at 7-Eleven, I was caught watching The Bachelor and spent an evening in phone-therapy. But the media exposure from my newly published book “Cable TV for Dummies” helped my pursuit of happiness, and soon I was back in the local casino’s listening to local bands re-do the famous stars of the 80’s. My life has been full of surprises. After helping stage the bikini snowshoe race (shown on local cable channel 19), I was asked to dinner at the Governor’s house. Everything seemed to change after I started the botox injections. People I hadn’t heard from in years began calling. As a family, we tried not to say the word “dude” as much this year. And that trip to the beach outlet mall was exciting, as was the barefoot hike around the block.
Hope your year has been stupendous and as arrest-free as ours. If you get a chance, drive by slowly and look in the window; you’ll find a picture of me at Safeway, standing next to a psychiatrist and my collection of Who Wants to be a Millionaire on VHS tapes.